What up bitch tits? That’s right, it’s playoff time!! We’ve cut out the riff-raff and removed the dead weight and stepped into the land of where fantasy legends are made. Everyone’s nerves are up (I’ve checked the status of my players 8 times already just since I’ve started writing this), and there is no room for error. I’m sure everyone’s looking for this year;s DeAngelo Williams (Panthers RB): back in Week 16 of 2008 on a Sunday Night game against the Giants, DeAngelo caused the largest mass suicide among fantasy owners to date. He scored 4 TDs and posted 34.8 fantasy points and ruined the leads and lives of men everywhere. There are tons of roster moves to consider, player injuries, and the fact that some teams may rest their starters. So many of you I’m sure are asking yourselves the very same question that Fav-ray asked himself a few years ago…
- Note to Conroy no victory dick pics to anyone in the league…they are cause for immediate banishment from the league and like everything else according the NFL and Roger Goodell they now also cause concussions
The gods or whatever heartless beings run the universe clearly don’t give 2 shits about our well-being. They have jammed fantasy playoffs, the critical Week 16 of NFL, and a NBA quadruple header all into 1 weekend (I know I’m forgetting something…the Winter Olympics? Nope…Law & Order SVU Marathon? That’s nothing new…oh yeah fucking Christmas). That’s right not only do I have the stress of decided to start Sproleeesss or Roy Helu but I also need to spend time with my family and act like I somewhat care that they’re still breathing. I thought the Bill of Rights and the Constitution gave me rights for this situation
the right to bear arms no cruel or unusual punishment (yes that’s the one). I’m thinking mimosas and heroin will be key to helping me get through the weekend. Upon learning of the cluster-fuck this weekend is going to become I began to petition my mom to ease my burden by changing the menu of our Christmas Eve family party. Rather than the usual chicken, pasta, and ham that she usually ruins cooks I suggested…Party Taco’s for Christmas Dinner. Nothing says Christmas like 8 boxes of Party Tacos and 26 bags of cinnamon twists (the smell alone would be enough to wreck havoc on everyone’s stomach), needless to say she was not in favor of this.
Now back to that riff-raff and dead weight I was talking about earlier, Heimdall finished 5th in the League just short of the playoffs while Anthony came in last and I’m pretty sure there are fetuses that could’ve gotten more wins outta the team he had. But guys to fret! I know you’re probably hurtin’ right now. You’re probably thinking nothing could cheer you up (Bro ups help, H!), but it’s important to remember that we all fall down.
life fantasy football is like that, sometimes you just fall flat on your face and millions of people laugh at you and not even giving your doodle-dandy a yankee can free you from your sadness. Maybe a music video of this chart topper will bring a smile to your face:
If that doesn’t cheer you up, I don’t know what will. Maybe this button? The important thing to remember is that there’s always next year. Chicks dig scars, dudes respect them. This is a game of inches and at the end of the day, it’s how you played the game…badly, in your case, but nevertheless, you played. So don’t take this too hard. Hold your head high, and start planning your draft strategy for next year. The extra time and effort couldn’t hurt. As for the lucky few that ride on, you are one step closer to eternal glory the likes of which have not seen since Jesus rose from the dead (Conroy care to comment on that). Michael’s roster simply refused to miss the playoffs, I wonder if he channeled this guy when he motivated his team down the stretch…
Well now it’s down to Michael, Conroy, PJ and myself. Here’s hoping I run over and through the competition…
Let’s take a look at the games from the final week of the regular season. We had My Vick in a Box vs. I Blitzed Your Moms, Straight Cash Homie vs. Yogalaties, and Carried By Cam vs. Multiple Scoregasms.
My Vick in a Box vs. I Blitzed Your Moms
You gotta give the Fightin Moms credit, despite having literally NOTHING to play for, they still laced up their moccasins and put up a valiant fight. It looked like they had a chance despite the overwhelming odds to pull off the upset until Megatron appeared and just slaughtered them like 2 drunk sluts on our pong table (stat line – 9 catches 219 yards, 2 TDs = 33.40 fantasy points).
PJ was able to overcome the fact that he hasn’t had a viable #2 starting QB for weeks, mainly because neither does Anthony; although things were looking troublesome early on with Starship 7 (Jon Grudon’s name for Vick) and Reggie “It’s my party and I can run between the tackles if I want to” Bush posted 22.16 and 24.9 points respectively. However in the end
it doesn’t even matter it was Anthony’s defense let him down when he needed them most (Ravens D…-1 points). While Anthony did have a few guys on his bench that could’ve helped, it wouldn’t have been enough to scrap out a win. Now Anthony has a bye week and in Week 17 he faces the toughest challenge of his young life…to avoid the Teary trophy in the consolation game. As for PJ he marches on into the playoffs as the 3 seed to take on Conroy’s high-powered attack led by Cam-newtown. My prediction is it comes down to who plays better…Rodgers or Brees.
Straight Cash Homie vs. Yogalaties
If you would’ve told me that H would get 51 points from his QBs and 16.7 from Marshawn Lynch then I would’ve thought I had no chance at beating him. However when the rest of his fantasy team mailed it in and were no-shows, my squad was able to take advantage. I’d like to personally thank A.P. for stepping up and playing for his fantasy owners…because what he didn’t tell them was that he fucking hated them and wanted them all to lose, so he scored a measly 6 fantasy points. H has to be cutting, scratch that I meant kicking, himself for leaving crucial fantasy points on the bench. Not that any of us would’ve had his lineup any different but I, nor does anyone, care about that. All I know is that by sitting Ryan Matthews and Vernon Davis he allowed me to squash any dreams of playoff glory he had since he was 8. So with that Heimdall no must sack-up and try to defeat Anthony so that he can avoid the Teary. With the win I secured my #1 seed in the playoffs and will follow LeSean McCoy’s League Leading 20 total TDs into the fantasy playoffs against Michael. For me to win I’m gonna need big games from 2 key positions: Kicker Mike Nugent (Ted Nugent’s musically challenged, field goal kicking half-brother) and Marques Colston.
Carried By Cam vs. Multiple Scoregasms
I gotta hand it to Conroy, his roster did their very best to ensure that Michael made the playoffs (apart from Cam and Brees) and would be the end of my glorious season next week. Michael’s roster certainly showed up though: with Romo, Brady, Rowdy Roddy White, and Foster all scored at least 20 points. Nobody wanted to see Michael’s team in the playoffs since his team has been a tear of late and enjoys shit pushing FAR too much. Looking ahead to the playoffs next week Conroy takes on PJ as the #2 seed and on 1st glance looks to have some very favorable matchups, particularly the Carolina Cam’s going against the Bucs sad excuse of a football team. Meanwhile Michael after sneaking in as the #4 seed faces me and let me just say that I would personally like to wish Rodger Goodell a Miserable Fucking Christmas for having the Texans play the Colts this week…thanks a lot asshole. Foster and Rackers look poised for Billy Fuccillo HUGE games this week. But as with any good team though the key’s to their respective games will be…Kickers.
|Rank||Team||W-L-T||Pct||Pts For||Pts Against||Streak||Waiver||Moves|
|*1.||Straight Cash Homie||11-4-0||.733||1835.72||1702.12||W-3||6||40|
|*2.||Carried by Cam||9-6-0||.600||1936.38||1804.32||L-1||3||11|
|*3.||My Vick In a Box||9-6-0||.600||1881.84||1767.02||W-1||4||15|
|6.||I Blitzed Your Moms||1-14-0||.067||1427.02||1909.84||L-6||2||34|
Rager of the Week
If Michael is good for anything it is that he at least out raged Conroy this week so I could stop giving this damn award to him. Michael’s team need a big win (just like the Giants last week) and his team delivered (not like the Giants). His team was clicking on nearly all cylinders (not like the Giants) and wouldn’t allow Conroy’s 2 stud QBs to close the gab. Michael’s collection of outcasts scored a solid 140.46 and would’ve put up even more if the
revered jerkoff commissioner would allow Tebow to play RB (never gonna happen). So for those of you keeping score at home…Rager of the Week = Multiple Scoregasms (owned by Michael) because like the Mail Man his team always delivers (not like the Giants).
Loser of the Week
Now I don’t wanna make H too upset so here goes…”H lose to me, H no make playoffs, H no win The Stiffy, H no hangout with us, Gronk get win, Gronk laugh at H, Gronk say Heimdall Loser of Week.” And as his final player ended their game, all was silent and then…
MVP of the Week
As for MVP of the Week technically Brees had more points than Megatron and Matthew Stafford but all 3 were so fucking ridiculous last week I’m gonna make em all MVPs. Brees had 412 yards, 5 TD passes (34.88 points), while Megatron had 9 catches 219 yards, 2 TDs (33.4 points), and Stafford had 391 yards, 4 TD passes (30.14 points). Yes both of those stat lines are ridiculous but be realistic people Brees played against the Vikings D who I’m pretty sure at 1 point they had Jesse Ventura and Dennis Green in the secondary, and Stafford and Megatron were up against the Raiders secondary who looked afraid to go anywhere near Megatron and the rest of the Lions receivers like they were the ghost of Al Davis.
DN of the Week
Well I’m still pissed that Conroy let Michael into the playoffs so he’s the biggest DN of the Week in my book and let’s be real that’s all that really matters. Now I’m not at all saying there was anything Conroy could’ve done roster-wise to other than starting Brandon Marshall, but even that wouldn’t have propelled him to victory, so then you ask how and why can he be DN of the Week. Well I don’t know but he should’ve done something because now the soul-stealing, happiness-ruining, prince of hell Michael is playing me in the 1st week of the playoffs and it’s all Conroy’s fault. And if Michael should take his team of serpents all the way to The Stiffy, I will hold him specifically responsible. Now I could blame myself for beating H or H for not scoring enough points but that’d just be counterproductive at this point so…Conroy DN of the Week.
C’Mon Son of the Week
Jordy Nelson, with Greg Jennings out you needed to step up and be the #1 receiver for the Packers and makes moves for Yogalaties as well. You sir did nothing of the sort in fact, you had more penalties 4 called on you than receptions 2. You got H 2.9 fantasy points and because you’re white I’m sure our dark-skinned friend is playing you the white man for his loss. Well I’m blaming you to (and myself for having such a fantastic team) 2.9 fantasy points is all you could muster when you were clearly representing: the Packers, Yogalaties, and white athletes everywhere…that’s disgraceful (and don’t even try to come to the next Lodge meeting). Seriously Jordy C’Mon Son!!
And as always C’Mon Man from Week 15:
Last week Conroy went 1 for 3 only getting his own game correct (I smell tampering). Anyways here’s Conroy’s Cold Day in Hell picks for Week 16 (Last week 1-2, Season 14-10):
- Carried By Cam gently defeats My Vick in a Box
- Multiple Scoregasms sideswipes Straight Cash Homie
Ladies and lesbos here again is the Shit List:
And as the regular season of Fantasy Football comes to a close, I find myself in shitty territory: out of the playoffs. The Packers lose to the Chiefs (fail), more talk about Tebow being the 2nd coming of Christ (double fail), and another year has come to an end (all manner of fail). This week’s shit list really only has 1 possible candidate for biggest turd and it is Yogalaties. With a pretty decent team, I missed a couple of opportunities to scoop up a couple of games that I could have used (this week included. Fuck you, team). Not playing my studs when I should, over and underestimating the productivity of my team, and a general abundance of ass-hattery has led to my exclusion from the playoffs. Damn it.
I have to commend the assholes who find themselves in the playoffs and now vying for the 1st ever league championship. Stellato took a team of raga-muffins and riff-raff and won when it counted so congratulations to Michael for pushing all manner of shit in (when it counted, anyway). Conroy, you’re a faggot for scoring a million points Weeks 13 and 14 but putting up a feeble effort this week. Where was this performance a week ago? Either way, kudos for having the foresight to know that Cam would carry you to the playoffs. Frank, enjoy your number one seed, you’re still an asshole but you dun good this season. PJ, there is very little I can say other than my money is on you (Kim and Yahoo! Sports, too) winning the championship since I’m not in the playoffs to make you cry.
But seriously, fuck all of you. Enjoy beating on each other to death in the playoffs -Sigh- and where the playoff-bound have found players who week in and week out succeeded, many of the useless bitches on Yogalaties have failed to produce so you deserve honorable mention. Some of you might be familiar with it since you were on here a week ago.
1st and foremost, Adrian Peterson…#1 pick of the draft…the maaaaaan…I would congratulate you on your awesome season but you didn’t have one of those, you sucked. That was some nice shit you tweeted too; you even had me believing that you would redeem me for keeping you after you got hurt. Thanks, asshole. Jamaal Charles, I hope you’re watching ESPN Classic and learning how real running backs play. Maybe next season you can make up for being a tool this season. I won’t let your ass live this down, at least A.P. scored some points for me this season. Anquan Boldin, why did I keep you on my team? You had like 2 great weeks. I expected more, but then again, the Ravens don’t have a quarterback who should be throwing 40 times a game. Maybe it was my bad…nah, shit’s all on you. Fuck you. Miles Austin, you have proven once again why the Cowboys deserve all of the hate and derision they are met with. 11 fucking points Week 15? Where the fuck was that when you were on Yogalaties? Was this because you wanted a bigger contract or something. You wanted to be traded to a contender-Ohhh, I see what it is. You had not faith, so you stunk up my roster. Fuck you and your team I never liked you anyway. JerMichael Finley, it’s not your fault that Aaron Rodgers will throw to the fucking peanut guy before he’ll throw the ball to you. Oh wait, it is! Catch the fucking ball, maybe you’ll get more passes your way. Don’t act surprised. I kept you on the team for far too long, you had a couple of good games and I guess you get passes for those weeks but overall you sucked lots of dick, bro. San Diego, don’t even blame that shit on Norv. Blame your season on your GM whose ass should be in the hot seat for keeping Norv Turner around as long as he did. You guys mongled all manner of cock this season. What happened to gradually trucking all the opponents before losing in the 1st round of the playoffs? A very special fuck you for making us suffer through all of this Tebow talk. Now he’s going to go play in a playoff game, whatever team is unfortunate enough to underestimate his ass is going to lose, and we’re going to have to put up with this for years to come.
I suppose not everything is lost. I’ll enjoy the fantasy playoffs and the end of the football regular season. Hopefully the Packers get their shit together and murder all of the opponents and repeat as champs. Hopefully the NBA provides us with all manner of entertainment. Hopefully baseball doesn’t make me want to kill everything and everyone (I’m looking at you, Marlins. Beat the Mets, beat the Phillies, win your division). And hopefully I find myself in the playoffs next year instead of needing to find the perfect place to display The Teary which I will undoubtedly win because Anthony’s team manages to find ways to win at the most inopportune times.
Well that’s the Blog, it’s probably a little on the long side but hey you guys need to get your reading levels above the 4th grade so I’m only trying to help. Oh I almost forgot…
Na na na na hey hey hey goodbye, na na na na hey hey hey…well you know the rest. H…Gone Fishin’