Week 5 Recap

Another week in the books and there’s a few things people should be aware of…fucking Chris is still undefeated (not cool) and more importantly we are only 2 weeks away from NBA regular season!! Let me tell you teams are already in mid-season form…especially the Nets!

Absolute definition of bananaland right there. As a 6 foot white guy that was probably only 8-10 plays/inches in height away from the NBA I have no clue how that is possible. But with the NFL having it’s ratings so low this is the perfect time for the NBA to strike and take over as the #1 sport in the land.

But before I got too far I’d be remiss as an American citizen, history teacher, and all around swell guy if I didn’t talk about the absolutely ELECTRIC debate last Sunday night. My boi Trump finally let it all hangout after his locker room talk tape came out aka just dudes being dudes…no big deal. Then he hit Hillary with the work…

Ba ba boom!!! Hillary was so stunned she couldn’t figure out that there was legit flies just fucking her face all night…

Not a great look for that ol bag of milk. Hillary Clinton is the female version of Roger Goodell. Nobody can use that take cause I’m 1000% sure nobody has said that before now and I’m 1000% sure that’s the greatest comparison of all time. Here’s hoping Hillary doesn’t take all the fun out of ‘murica like Goodell has tried to waffle stomp all the fun out of the NFL. Although I am a fan of the sass-filled TD “celebrations” Goodell has spawned…


Rank Team W-L-T Pts For Pts Agnst Streak Waiver Moves
1 Bronco Trolley 5-0-0 638.46 498.40 W-5 10 3
2 Saved by Odell 4-1-0 580.42 550.72 W-1 5 7
3 MoreDuuudes! 4-1-0 573.36 565.98 W-1 4 8
4 Bag of Tricks 👉👜👀 3-2-0 620.12 621.38 W-1 9 14
5 Harambe Did 9/11 2-3-0 640.36 623.78 L-1 3 4
6 Pray the Forte Away 2-3-0 578.32 606.74 W-1 2 4
7 HoneyFunchessOfOats 2-3-0 562.76 611.88 L-1 1 18
8 Overkill Killers 1-4-0 651.44 684.46 L-1 8 7
9 Multiple Scoregasms 1-4-0 558.60 557.18 L-1 7 19
10 JPP’s Finger Bang 1-4-0 528.92 612.24 L-2 6 5

Pray the Forte Away (Conroy) vs. Multiple Scoregasms (Michael)

Fucking Christ welcome to the NFL Sammie Coats…guy torched the Jets all afternoon and should’ve had more than his 28.9 points cause he dropped a bomb from Big Ben. Apart from Coats, Conroy got solid games from Dick Hopkins (14.1)…thanks to a garbage time TD, Gordon (13.2), and T-Mobile (15.76)…despite the fact he struggles to figure out which on is the center…

As for Michael another heartbreaking loss in what seems more and more like it might be a lost season for the former champ. Guy got a huge game from Jordan Howard (23.8) and Tyrell Williams (20.2) but after that there was much. 1 week after Julio murder me he posted a stinker to the tune of 3.9 points. Conroy with the big win…and I’m pretty sure this will be how he celebrates next time he sees Michael…


Saved by Odell (PJ) vs. HoneyFunchessOfOats (Brian)

Well Brian really got fucked by the Bengals who decided not to show up at all against the Cowboys and let Zeke Elliott run all over them to the tune of 30.6 points. Dude was an absolute beast. It’s no surprise that PJ was carried by his 3 RBs which also included Gurley (16.3) and Hyde (20.4). As for Brian, it was another week were his “studs” let him down especially Lamar Miller (2.9) and Landry (4.5). Brian did pick up and start Derek Carr (21.98) which helped but he was probably hurt by the fact that I tried to trade him Carr before I dropped him and he got him off waivers for free. Think that really cost him. Meanwhile PJ continues to quietly stack up wins but injuries are beginning to mount with Big Dick Decker and Sammy Watkins sent to the IR. Hopefully notifying everyone to the fact that PJ is stacking wins and is 4-1 doesn’t make me a narc…cause that’s not a look that even I can make look good…



Bronco Trolley (Chris) vs. JPP’s Finger Bang (Kyle)

This fucking guy…Chris has no regard for human life. Not fore his friends, family, fantasy football compatriots. None whatsoever. Guy racked up his 5 win, thanks in large part to Olsen (22.6) and Cooper (24.8). Chris also got a nice bounce back game from ODB (14.1) who finally got along with all his teammates last week…

Still don’t trust that guy, don’t trust that hair…dude’s a fucking psycho and probably meltdown sooner rather than later. As for Kyle he got started on TNF with a monster game from Dick Johnson (32) but after that he really struggled with only Benjamin, Manning, and Nelson cracking double figures. Live look at Kyle’s team since last Sunday night…


Bag of Tricks (Me) vs. Overkill Killers (Ben)

Another week and another time Ben put up the 2nd most points in the league. 3 out of Ben’s 4 loses have been when he’s scored the 2nd most points in the league. With that in mind I have 2 pieces of advice…sucks to suck and if you’re not 1st you’re last. Ben got an absolutely unreal game from his kicker (23) but thankfully fat, old Janikowski came through with an equally huge 17 points. Now Ben also got big games from Big Ben (29.2), Brown (18.3), and McCoy (16.8) but there was no way he could win not with Tommy fucking Brady (29.64) back and murdering everyone in his path…

Outside of Brady the rest of my guys came through for me, led by Bell (19.9), Minnesota DEF (16), and 2 clutch games from Cobb (15.3) on SNF, and Evans (17.9) on MNF to get me the win. With the loss Ben is now 1-4 and his season is big time, squeal like a pig trouble…


MoreDuuudes! (Anthony) vs. Harambe Did 9/11 (H)

In the closest game of the week Anthony edges out H by about 4 points to make his record 4-1 and I still don’t know how he’s won a single game but damnit he’s got it…

As for his team Anthony got really nice games from Luck (22.18), Fitzy (23.1), Dick Freeman (19.8), and the Bills DEF (16). Not much H coulda done about this one with Hilton (28.1) and B-Marsh (21.4) going off but H continues to guess wrong with which QB to start and I think it’s screwed him twice. He left Rivers on the bench and it cost him about 8 points which would’ve been the difference. Sometimes that just how a game, a season, or a fantasy career goes but he’s still very much in the mix at 2-3. As for Tony he may be out of Buffalo but he’s still cruisin in fantasy just like the Ryan bros in B-town…

C’Mon Son!

Nobody has to hate themselves more after last week than Michael who has 3 Tight Ends on his roster and somehow managed to start the 2 wrong ones and left Martellus Bennett aka the Black Unicorn on the bench. Bennett torched the Browns with Brady back, putting up 27.7 points which would have easily given Michael the win. Now I’m sure Michael sat him because he was worried about Gronk stealing his targets but that’s hogwash and the Black Unicorn won’t have that kind of think on his fantasy team…C’Mon Son!

Hope everyone has a great week…hope Ryan Mathews learns how to not fumble in the last 4 minutes of the game and carry the ball in his outside hand AND most importantly Fall is here so here’s your friendly reminder…FUCK apple picking…in the wise words of Barstools Kevin Clancy (KFC)…

Here’s the list of things that are stupider than apple picking:

1. There are no things stupider than apple picking.

I mean I almost want someone to invite me just so I can hear the reasoning behind it. You want me to drive somewhere upstate to walk around in a field and pick apples off of tree branches? Like peruse through a grove of apple trees examining which apples are the ones that look good to me, and then I pick them and put them in a basket and we pay someone for the apples and then we go home like 20 minutes later? How long could it take to pick apples? And then I guess we go home and eat them? You ain’t baking a pie and neither am I.

Sounds fucking riveting. Like I could understand if apples were some sort of super rare delicacy and there was only one place you could get them and then you would have to go apple picking. But I can buy apples from a dude with a table on the street right outside my apartment. I don’t have to drive anywhere. Don’t have to walk around in a field. And I don’t have to lug a basket of heavy ass apples all over the place.

Fuck all that noise. Apple picking is just something that the snobby families and the snobby couples do to try and make themselves feel better than the real couples and families who spend their weekends in the fall watching football and drinking beer. Congratulations, you guys are the outdoorsy type. You guys are enjoying the fall weather walking around a field pretending to care about apples. You think its something your kids are enjoying even though they are just too young and dumb to know any better. I know you see pictures of me at the bar on a Saturday crushing wings and beer and you think to yourself “I’m better than him because I went and picked out 45 apples.” But guess what? You’re not. You’re not better than me. You’re just a big fucking idiot who’s doing some stereotypical fall activity to try to convince yourself you’re respectable. You’ll probably run the Marathon in a few weeks while I booze my face off in a bar. You probably volunteer at a soup kitchen during the Christmas season while I drink Irish coffee and watch Home Alone. You probably think I feel bad when I see you doing all that “productive” shit on social media. But I don’t. And deep down everyone knows you don’t really wanna do that shit either. Its all for appearance. Smoke and mirrors and motherfucking apples. Get real.

PS – Don’t tell me you go because there’s donuts there. You can get donuts anywhere that dont involve traveling to a goddam orchard and wasting a day doing manual labor.

PPS – What planet is this kid from:

Screen Shot 2014-09-17 at 11.41.18 AM


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